Mikhail Litvak: Your Man Will Find You!

1. Mr. Mikhail, you always say that we are all born to be the first. ​

In terms of self-realization, this is, of course, true, but how can a man and a woman get along when each of them strives to take a leadership position?

Well, every leader is in his own business. And you can complement each other. A man can be a writer, and his woman can be a translator, or a lawyer. Thus, everyone is busy doing their own thing. On the contrary, it helps the relationship.

2. What is love? How to understand that it is not just a hobby, but a very real feeling?
I use the definition of E. Fromm - "Love is an active interest in the life and development of the object of love."  We often use the word "love", and by this we mean anything but this feeling. But if you think about this definition, you will understand that the main thing here is not that there is no one to love, but that the matter is suddenly whether you know how to love. ​

​And remember, there are no dramas in love, there are sorrows in love. You accepted my love - it's good, I can develop you? if I didn't accept - it's worse for you. By the way, all my trainings are based on love. I love my listeners, I talk about how they can become better. If they accept my advice, everything will be fine with them. If not, well what can I do, I do not force anyone to do anything.

3. You often use the term “addictive love”. Could you please explain the meaning of this concept.
Addictive love is a disease. Addiction is a painful. For example, alcoholism. The person understands that it is harmful, but he is drawn to alcohol and cannot stop drinking. 
The same thing happens in relationships. It is very easy to recover from this disease. You need to develop yourself and acquire the qualities you need so as not to depend on another person.


4. In one of your books there is a chapter “The art of choosing a partner”. Could you please tell us again about the criteria for this choice? When we are trying to choose something, we must calculate and consider everything. What do we need to have, what do we need to do? 
There are four main needs here: food instinct, protection, self-worth and sexual instinct. A partner must meet all of your needs.
It is necessary to see if he is sufficiently developed for this. And if not, why contact him? He will only parasitize on you. Of course, you need to know your own worth, to determine how much you are worth. And then you can choose a partner equal to you. And the cost is determined by three parameters: what a person is at the moment, his possessions and his future. We need to consider all of these.

Dr. Mikhail Litvak

Let's digress from love and talk about the cost of a painting. Well, for example, there was such an artist as Modigliani. He sold his paintings for half a liter of vodka, and now they cost millions. The cost of the painting was the same then and now. He just didn't understand it at first.

With regards to possessions,  it is, in general, how much the person is worth? This is determined by the ownership of an apartment, a car, the level of material wealth. It is not good to base your love for somebody on his possession. They are the source  of all our prejudices, racial, class, etc. And if only they matter to you in choosing a partner and having a family, it will have anything to do with love.

5. Well, probably, when choosing a partner, you need to listen to your heart?
If you only listen to your heart, you would make a mistake. Emotions will never really say anything. An emotional person is a stupid person. Well, for example, if I got off at the wrong stop, everything would unfamiliar to me around, I would get confused, but I would immediately pack up and get on the next transport; but,  if I am emotional, then I would think badly, I couldn't calm down and understand what to do next. So, it is important to think rationally.

6. We touched upon the topic of interethnic relations. What are the pros and cons?
If you have prejudices, they can ruin everything.

7. Dr. Mikhail, a modern person can no longer imagine himself without the Internet today, here we can find everything: various self-education courses, books, and the contacts we need. And even our soul mate. How do you feel about online dating and is it really a good place to start a relationship?
I have a negative attitude towards such acquaintances. Because on the Internet you don't have a realistic picture of a person, and he or she can write anything. It is necessary to get acquainted offline. There you will get to know this person, their actions and real intentions.

8. Are there examples of happy relationships that started with online dating, as an exception to the rule?
In my opinion, yes. But, unfortunately, I know more of negative examples of online dating.

9. Tell us what factors bring a man and a woman closer together, and which ones alienate them from one another?
Common interests and common worldview bring a man and a woman closer together. In second place are general gastronomic tastes. In third place is sex.  All of these 3 factors are very important. But the most important thing that comes first is common interests. Then two people look in one direction. And this is very important.

10. Elaborate, please, on the meaning of the term “psychological divorce”.
This is a psychological technique that I came up with. Its essence lies in the fact that I have internally divorced my wife. But I don't tell her anything. One woman, a resident of a small town, was so worried about her husband's infidelities that she ended up in my clinic with a nervous breakdown. She did not want to get divorced, she was bothered with the thoughts “what other people will think”, she shared the same apartment with her husband, etc. Well, I offered her a “psychological divorce”. I told her: “Consider his mistress as his wife and yourself as his mistress. He goes to his wife 2 times a week, and to his mistress 5 times. He gives wages to his wife, and gifts to his mistress ”. In general, she took my advice, and stopped bothering her man. And he stopped leaving home. Then I realized that “psychological divorce” is the norm. ​

I have to understand that at any moment my wife can tell me:
“I don’t love you anymore but I want to part with you.” What do I need to do now? Wish her happiness. And thank for all the years  she spent with me. Grieve a little bit and look for another. And let her be happy. Many people dream of eternal marriage. But nothing is eternal. Everything changes. 

11. That is, using the “psychological divorce” technique, we lose our claims to our partner, and, accordingly, the relationship becomes stronger without mutual reproaches. But does it always work?
Of course it does. This is the law of nature. Live for yourself. Basic love is self-love. 
Children will grow up, you can leave your wife or husband, you can quit your job. And you can't get away from yourself. He who does not love himself has no chance of mutual love. 

12. Is friendship between a man and a woman possible?
What can I say? There is no friendship as such. Pushkin wrote: "Everyone in the world has enemies, but God save us from friends." There is no friendship. And least between a man and a woman. There is cooperation. When there is a common cause, of course.

13. You always say that in order to meet a worthy partner you have to be a worthy person yourself. Please name three components of personality in your opinion.
​These are three factors. Your earnings, health and spiritual development. Read books, think, attend seminars, study logic, philosophy, psychology.

14. If you could give one piece of advice to a man and a woman, what would it be?
Take care of yourself. And your man will find you. As you grow up, you will be more visible from faraway places.


ABOUT Mikhail LitvakDr. Mikhail Litvak is a famous Russian psychotherapist, member of the European Psychaetry Organization and the author of 40 books about psychology of the human relations.