Two women who complain to me about their partner clearly indicate that it is time to write an article about it!
According to Dethlefsen, one of the fathers of holistic medicine (*) we fall in love with our shadow, that is, with our unconscious part, which we do not know. We are told by so many psychologists and experts that the person we attract is never an accident; if so many leave us indifferent and that man - or that woman - "stirs" our hormones, there is a reason!
What happens in romantic relationships is that we usually relive the wounds we have suffered in childhood; it is clear, therefore, that the person we are attracted to has characteristics similar to those of our father or mother, or whoever played their role in our childhood. Logically the thing is not at all evident in the beginning, and it becomes so only after a long time, and only for those who are really willing to dive deep and see certain things about themselves.
The majority, needless to say, continues to rail against the man or woman who made him feel rejected, abandoned, betrayed, humiliated or who has treated them unfairly. We put the blame on the other, and by doing this we think that everything is solved. Too bad that, in the next story, things repeat themselves.
The most intelligent people, after several failed attempts to have a successful relationship, begin to say to themselves: “But then, it's me! It's up to me!" Here, these people are those who deserve a standing-ovation, especially if, then, they also take the trouble to find out more and look for ways to understand their responsibilities.
What I'm interested in saying today, however, is something more, and I indicated it in the title: the person I fall in love with represents the part of me that I don't know.
In order to understand this better, I will give some examples.
The woman who complains to me about having attracted her husband and partner who, in the long run, turn out to be the same type of person, that is, they exploit her relentlessly, are selfish, cheat on her with other relationships leaving her all the burdens of intricate and heavy situations, instead of continuing to express his masculine energy should learn to integrate and love her feminine side. She would need to feel calm and serene, having someone close, someone who would provide for the family's economic needs; she needs to recognize and integrate the weaker part of herself, to become able to trust others, to ask for help, to let go.
The woman who tells me she has attracted a narcissistic and manipulative man, probably needs to recognize the part of herself that seeks attention by showing herself to be good, efficient, warm, or an innocent victim. Even these qualities can serve to attract attention, to obtain recognition and appreciation, and only by recognizing them can she learn to love herself with all her imperfections and fragility.
For myself it was a surprise to recognize in me the characteristics of the person I had married, whom I considered rude, rough and coarse, while I seemed the perfect image of refinement. By attending a dance school for a certain period of time and going out with my classmates, I found myself responding in tune with the dirtiest jokes, I got to know the more more vulgar part of me, which I had never shown before, yet there it was.
By learning to love the other, we learn to love the part of us that we don't know, that little girl or that little boy who is hidden deep within us, of whom we no longer know anything. Our love stories serve to make us get to know ourselves better, to let us know who we are, to make us understand how we have treated ourselves so far and how much we need to manifest what lies buried in our unconscious.
Love can last, and then together we will learn to welcome each other's characteristics, loving them as they are; or it may end teaching us that we must understand what the other has shown us about ourselves. Each person we meet acts as a mirror and, in this mirror, we can find what we have removed and what represents our Truth. By recognizing it, accepting it, integrating it and loving it, we can learn to love ourselves and, by doing so, meet someone who will love us as we are.
(Author: Valeria Pisano
(*) T. Dethlefsen, "Illness and destiny", Ed. Mediterranee)
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